I will not hide.

What I am learning:

Relationships expose insecurity.  There is a fear that if you are fully known, you will no longer be delighted in.  I have always been the one to cowardly shy away from relationships because the idea of being “alone” was far less painful than the thought of being rejected.  You see, vulnerability takes immense courage.  So I pushed.  I isolated. I fought.  I numbed all the yearnings of my heart because of one powerful emotion: shame.  There’s a plethora of self-help readings that teach how one can “rid shame”, however, I am finding that the biggest tool in overcoming shame is to rid the “self-help” mentality.  Ridding shame is not something one can attain alone.  Shame is hidden in the deepest crevices of our hearts—we’re ashamed, therefore, we hide.  What better place to seek shelter from shame than to look towards oneself to find freedom from it.  This is the lie I have been buying for all 23 years of my life.  However, there are not enough books, counseling sessions, or memorized verses that expose and heal shame like entering a relationship does.  You see, shame says “don’t get to know me, I’m not worthy” and a relationship speaks to that lie and says “I know you, and I still love you”.  It makes perfect sense why God said “it’s not good for man to be alone”, because when we are alone and hidden, it also hinders our relationship with Him.  While healing from shame (specifically through relationship) is uncomfortable beyond measure, I am finding that the fruit outweighs the discomfort.  The fruit is remarkably sweet, actually.  It encourages the inner-child to “come out and play”, it quiets the cognitive dissonance, it invites, and it is compelling me to be bold in the design that my creator has made me.  I no longer feel like I have to tolerate the skin I’m in, but instead, am finding great delight in it.  Self-help rehashed the past and made me self-aware, which in my case, filtered into shame.  However, relationship rehashes the past and says “Who cares-- your past doesn't define you!” which is an entirely new level of self-awareness for me.  So, my revelation is: Shame vanishes when you are known and delighted in.  It doesn't happen over night, but it’s better to start now than never.  Don’t let the fruit of your “secrecy” grow heavy on you, causing you to feel dirty and betrayed.  Delight drives out shame.  We feel awkward in it though—that’s why grace is scandalous.  Lean into the awkwardness, it’s worth it.

His embrace.

So I've been reading a lot about the story of the prodigal son... and before I open up this blog, I want to share these pictures and ask that you imagine a Father's joy when his child runs into his arms after being away...

[will continue this blog later.. NOT FINISHED!]

So this is a picture of 2-yr old Maritza's feet (Everyone say "aww").  You're probably wondering why she has two mismatched shoes on.  Well here goes the punchline to this blog entry, I'm here to tell you that this is the new trend.  OK, not really.  Although, it would be a suitable trend for all seasons in Texas!  However, the story behind this picture went something like this: I decided to stop by to visit Maritza, she ran to her room, put her shoes on all by herself, and said "Bye Mommy!" because she thought "Tia Tina" (Me, "Aunt Tina") was there to pick her up for a date.  Aside from my heart melting from cuteness... it got me thinking about something else a little..

I heard this quote once and it went something like this "Just as a child cannot do a bad coloring, nor can a child of God do a bad prayer."  You might ask how this has anything to do with this story, well I'm getting there..

My immediate reaction to little Maritza running to me, eager to leave, was:  "Hahaha, silly girl, your shoes don't even match!"... Why?  Well, because her SHOES DIDN'T MATCH!  Now I was teased in elementary school for wearing ruffle socks in 6th grade and WAS NOT about to let this little one get teased as well, haha.  However, I retell this story not to bring up the social issue of bullying (which is a sad, sad thing kids face, unfortunately), but to reflect on how QUICK I was to overlook her eagerness and excitement about wanting to spend time with me, that in a way, I criticized her efforts.  I looked past the heart and instead found a way to criticize it.  How quickly are we to criticize ourselves and think that we have to come a certain way to God?  Or better yet, how quickly are we to do this very thing in others efforts in seeking God? "The Lord does not look at things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7).  There you have it, God looks at the heart.  But if you're like me, you over analyze the heart and make matters more complicated, which is why I love this next verse...

In the bible, Jesus called a little child, had him stand among them, and said "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2-4).  

Often times I try to find ways to clean myself up before I can come to Christ.  As if he will "love me more" if I have the "right matching" shoes on.  The truth is, the only "right" thing we have going for us is Christ, and all our other efforts to clean ourselves up are considered to be "filthy rags".  It is the heart that God looks at... He will not reject us because of the condition that it is in.  I bring the quote back up that I mentioned earlier, "just as a child cannot do bad coloring, nor can a child of God do a bad prayer" , to hopefully give you a fresh perspective that it is impossible for God to be disappointed in your prayer, His child, when you are seeking & praying to Him with a sincere heart.  He gets excited when you're eager to spend time with Him and doesn't recount all the mistakes you made in the past 24-hours & say "Nope Christina, be better and then we'll talk"... He wants us to become like little children and just go to Him with reckless abandonment.

If you have a child, I say try this activity: go through your children's drawings or coloring's and ask yourself, "is this a bad drawing?" , most likely your answer will be "No! It's my child's drawing, therefore I love it!" ... same thing applies to God in our prayers to Him...

God's faithfulness in Younglives

My name is Christina Becerra, Fayetteville younglives leader. God blessed me to pioneer this ministry, and below are two different blog posts that show God's faithful plan in starting younglives in Fayetteville, even to the exact day our first girl's baby was conceived and God commissioning me to start younglives before I even met her.

"Rewind" blog post from March 12, 2010

"So i'm gonna try to make this blog short but thought I would share with you a pretty cool story about something God did in my life that pretty much gave me goosebumps. Well I was reading back on an old journal entry of mine back on October 27, 2009. I wrote to God saying this:

"Dear God,
Its so crazy how much of a calling I feel to help teen moms, so I'm gonna do it. This has always been one of my passions... but now its like it always comes up in my mind. I honestly do believe that ever since I've been single I've been able to hear your voice more loudly... but I didn't realize that it would be THIS loud! Jesus, i'm excited about the plans you have for this ministry!! Jesus, thank you for stretching my heart and also thank you for burdening my heart for teen moms.. so let's I will trust you in starting Younglives.."

I wrote that on October 27 (aka, last semester). Well get this...

This semester I decided to take on in starting younglives (if you're not aware this is, it is a ministry through younglife that specifically works with teen moms). Anyways, last week I talked to my first girl (on tuesday to be exact) and as we got talking, I asked her if she already had the baby or if she was expecting, and she responded & said that she was expecting. So I asked her how far along she was and she told me 17 weeks. Well, the convo ended and I ended up telling Gregg and Robyn about it that Thursday because I was so excited. WELL- Gregg was doing something on his phone and then was like "Christina, look at this. I did the math and exactly 17 weeks from now was the week of October 27, the day you said that you told God about working with teen moms". WHICH MEANS THAT THE DAY I WAS PRAYING FOR THIS WAS THE WEEK HER BABY WAS BEING CONCEIVED. I MEAN, OH EM FREAKING GEE! That's whack. I'm not gonna lie, I was completely blown away. The fact that God was so exact with the timing of this ministry and by burdening my heart for what burdens his. He is so accurate about ever detail and will lead me in the right direction ALWAYS as long as i'm obedient to His voice.

After this experience, it just brought things in a new light for me and showed me that I have no reason to doubt God and trust in his faithfulness. Even if I cannot understand every circumstance in my life and its purpose, it is at least comforting to know that there is a God who does have control and is going to guide me whenever I put my complete trust in Him.

I could probably go on for hours and hours talking about my passion & love for teen moms.. but then I may start creeping people out and may get kicked out of working with them because my area director might think it's a little unhealthy on how much I care about these girls lol. Not to mention it would probably annoy the crap out of people. Anyways- I can't wait to see where God has me a year from now. I can't wait until the summer of 2010 when I take girls to camp and see their lives changed. I can't wait until God continues unfolding the plans he has for me. Life is so exciting, I just can't get enough."

 "Today" blog post on Nov. 5, 2012

The girl I mentioned above is named Emely and her baby girl is Maritza.  She is one of our most involved girls.  She was a COMPLETELY different person at club tonight than the person I met 2 years ago.  This summer she went to camp for the second time and decided to accept having a relationship with Jesus.  She used to be shy, isolated, and lacked confidence.  Tonight, she led a game at club and handed out flyers all over Fayetteville for girls to join younglives.  She has had a rough journey with extremely difficult hardships that I will not personally disclose, but God has done a miraculous work in her heart.  As I drove her home, she told me "Remember when I used to be shy?  Now I'm all younglifey and don't care!  Do you think when I'm 18, I can be a younglives leader too?" and my heart just stopped.  Emely, a girl who we had to BEG to come to club and BEG just to hang out with now wants to share the love of Jesus with other moms who are in her shoes.  A girl who wouldn't even make eye-contact with me for months because her self-esteem was so low, is now wanting to lead other girls to Christ.  On top of that, she has had difficult moments the past few weeks and told me "I just locked myself in my room, fell to the ground, and prayed that God would help me... and then suddenly, I just felt peaceful.  That has never happened to me before, Christina."  

This is younglives.  A long process that requires God's patience to spend 2-and-a-half years pursuing a teen mom, Emely, and to finally see her gain your trust and WANT to have a daily relationship with Jesus.  If God could melt Emely's heart, I believe he can melt any other teen mom's heart.... because trust me, I thought "there is no way this ministry will even reach her".. but that's the beauty of this ministry, reaching the "furthest kid out".

God spoke to me and said that Emely would be our first younglives girl, and now she may be the teen mom who takes on the leadership of this ministry.  Her daughter is the tree marker of how long this ministry has been the Lord's, even as precise as to the DAY she was conceived.

Praise God.  All the glory to Him.

Emely after her ceremony from graduating from 9th grade. [2010]

Emely right after she had baby Maritza. [2010]

Younglives photoshoot that Emely & Maritza attended. [2010]

Loving on Maritza at the younglives xmas party. [2010]

Emely and I at yl camp after doing the scariest ropes course of our life. [2011]

Emely and Maritza at dinner (younglives camp) [2011]

Lost Canyon younglives camp. [2011]

Tacky Christmas sweater club. [2011]

Emely & her Mentor mom, Lee, at camp for the second time.

[2012]

 

Adventures at walmart. [2012]

Emely, myself, and her mom and younglife banquet [2012]

 

My 2012 theme verse

Picture I took on camera phone of: Jessica Sabatini

So I have been repeating this verse to a lot of people because I have concluded that it is my "2012 theme verse".  I ran into a friend who had just gotten it tattooed and I just HAD to take a picture.  "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still" exodus 14:14.

Truly, I began 2012 trying to fight all my battles-- and for those of you who are close to me, you know that those battles were heavy.  The battle of healing from sexual abuse, negative thoughts, and lies telling me that I am dirty, unclean and worthless.  Something beautiful happened though when I allowed God to fight my battles and to just rest in his love and saturate my mind in his truth.  I was truly able to be still while he fight this war that was waging for my destruction.  To be still.  To rest and "let" God.

I have now felt and experienced the remarkable joy of falling back and being caught in my Father's arms.  To be still in his presence while He fights the battle.  The power of his word rather than using my own human strength.  His grace is sufficient for me.

For once in my life, I feel like I am living and not merely just "surviving".  I have been redeemed.

I feel like I am breaking free and it makes me want to scream and laugh on a mountain top.

What is it that you've been battling with that the Lord has asked you to surrender to him and rest/be still in his unfailing love instead?  B/c trust me, the initial journey is hard at first... BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT as you see the Lord come through and win the battle!!

~C

How Jesus responds...

I tried to think of a clever story to introduce this blog entry, because let’s face it, isn’t that what our English teachers taught us from the very beginning? Start with your introduction, tie your thesis, write your body, conclude your story, and BOOM, you have created a predictable, formulated, “A+ guaranteed” essay. These English teachers also taught/stressed the importance of cursive, when sadly, the only importance it found in my life was forging signatures. (Sorry, Mom and Dad if you’re reading this, but it’s true). So with all this being said, I’m going to jump right into the meat of this blog even though I think I just subconsciously wrote an intro without even realizing it! Dang it, OK English teachers… you win!

For 2012, I decided to do something different with my relationship with the Lord. Instead of just opening my bible and hoping that the anointed wind would magically turn the pages to a passage I needed to read that day (however, that does work sometimes), I decided to go deep and REALLY study the Word of God. Friends, there is something so profound in doing this. Words barely express its depth which is why I’m going to do less talking from here on out of my personal experience, and instead, share with you a piece of hope and encouragement I received from studying Luke 8:40-48. It may bring tension or feel a little uncomfortable, and all I have to say to that is: good. God’s Word isn’t a children’s book, its real life with real people. So here it goes…

Have you ever felt so broken and unnoticed all at the same time? It could be that you have suffered or are suffering from a physical, emotional or spiritual condition and all you feel is loneliness. You might feel like an outcast in some form while you’re undergoing this process. Perhaps an outcast within your family, at church, around friends, at school or with social norms. There was a woman in the bible who can relate. (Now men, before you think this doesn’t apply to you, I challenge that big time, keep reading). This woman KNEW physical suffering because “she had discharge of blood for 12 years” (8:43)… in simpler yet disgusting terms, she practically had a period for 12 consecutive years. Is there something you feel like you have dealt with for years & years? Maybe something physical? Maybe depression? Maybe self-image? Maybe spiritual complacency? Keep thinking about that as you read. This woman “had spent all her living on physicians and she could not be healed by anyone” (8:43). Ever felt that way? You turn to all your options other than God and find that none of it works? Keep reading. Now this woman, she was considered “unclean”, “polluted”, “dirty”, and “defiled” in society. She wasn’t allowed to get NEAR a single clean person without making them dirty. So isolation was her only option. I know I’ve felt shameful of my conditions to the point of isolation, have you? This woman had no other choice from society though but to isolate. She was lonely and out of hope. Ever felt that way?

Now I could stop right there and say “The End”… but fortunately the gospel shares the good news, not the bad. I’m going to shift this story real quick though from my perspective, to the perspective of this bleeding woman. This clip is a short story I wrote and came up with as I put myself in the place of this woman. They are not her literal words, but merely an illustration of how I think her story might have gone something like…




So after watching that clip you might be wondering how it ties in to my blog entry. Well, here it goes. Sometimes I think God allows us to go what feels like “12 years” of our brokenness until we get to the point where we say “God, I’m out of hope. I’ve tried everything, my last and only hope is You” in order for us to reach out in faith, grab his “cloak” and ask for healing, ask for help, ask for Him. Our finite minds can’t wrap around the fact that he would notice any gesture we make towards reaching out to him, but the truth is, he notices EVERY reach you make towards Him, just like the bleeding woman. I mean, crowds were pressing up against Jesus and this woman barely touched the end of his cloak and IMMEDIATELY, He felt it. Not only did He feel it, but POWER was released from Him that they both felt.

I ask myself over and over again what kind of faith it would take for Jesus to respond, for Jesus to heal… but the truth is, a simple act of reaching for Him and believing Him is all it takes. He is already on the other end with his arms open wide waiting to heal only what He can heal. And all we have to do is receive it. No matter how broken you are, He can mend that. No matter how unnoticed you feel, He notices you. Friends, can you put yourself in the place of this woman, a woman who not even the world considered a human being, and know that there is nothing so “dirty”, “unclean”, “polluted”, any sin or illness has made you feel that Jesus wouldn’t and couldn’t heal you from. His delight is for you to reach out in faith, and He in return will do the rest…


“And He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace” (Luke 8:48)

Both are at hand, but which one will you choose?

I like sharpies. In fact, I was always that girl growing up who would use her hands as the ULTIMATE notebook. I would write homework assignments, "bring lunch money", instant message screennames, and even a character named 'Bob' who I made "squashing" jokes with whenever I clapped my hands. OK- so maybe this explains why I never fully grasped basic math concepts, but it was my choice, and it was well worth it!

Today I am 21 years old, and yes, I got a hold of a sharpie... but this time it serves a better purpose than an agenda book. Thankfully my freshman year of college I learned the concept of buying a notebook for those type of things. Instead, I used the sharpie today to help myself grasp what the Lord has been teaching me this week.

Ironic how when I was writing "overcome evil with evil" on my left hand, it was really easy because I am right handed. But when I had to write "overcome evil with good" using my left hand, it felt like I was back in kindergarten learning to write my ABC's for the first time. It was extremely difficult and took a lot more effort and concentration. Funny how this is somewhat relative to what God is teaching me.

Given that we are naturally sinful, wicked people, it's much easier to harm someone who has harmed us (overcome evil with evil). It has happened for centuries, so why not keep pursuing this? I mean, I've always written with my right hand, so why switch to the left hand when what i'm doing what "feels right" and "comfortable". On the other hand, we are given the choice to repay someone with goodness rather than harm (overcome evil with good). In fact, the bible even goes further to say "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head" [soften the person, melt his hardness]. I know for me i'm more like "hey enemy, there's a 7/11 down the road, GO BUY YOU'RE OWN DRINK SUCKAAA!" Do not be overcome by evil, but instead overcome all evil with good" (Romans 12:20-21)That's tough.

You may say, "Yeah, well you don't know how he/she has harmed me. If you really knew the full extent, you would understand that this instruction DOES NOT apply to me"... and you're right, I don't know you or what's done to you. What I do know is that God's Word is true and that it's not meant to really "feel good". Most likely your anger towards this person is rooted to the pain and hurt they have caused you.
Perhaps your evil doer:

-stole something from you
-spread rumors about you
-deceived your spouse to sleeping with them
-caused pain to a loved one
-physically/sexually/verbally/emotionally abused you
-abandoned you
-lied to you

... and the list goes on and on.

The bible clearly says in Romans 12:18-19 "If possible, so far as it depends ON YOU, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." Therefore, our only obligation is to leave it in the hands of God and trust that he pays close attention to your life and cares for you when you've been overcome with evil. He will be "Abba Father" (Daddy) and take care of those who have wronged you.

Now you may ask, "How the heck am I supposed to move on and trust that God is going to take care of my pain, my anguish, my grief, my everything that was done against me?" Well, funny that you ask, because when Jesus died, he left us behind the "Helper" also known as the "Holy Spirit". Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. LET NOT your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:25-27) The Holy Spirit gives peace. And in Isaiah, one of God's promises is that he "keeps him in PERFECT peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he TRUSTS you" (Isaiah 26:3) When you don't have peace in trusting the Lord with your evil doer, I challenge how intentional you are at trying to keep your mind on God and His Word. I say this because I am totally guilty of this not only daily, but hourly. My challenge to you would be to try this. Try finding a scripture that keeps you in perfect peace everytime a thought of overcoming evil with evil feels like your only option.

When someone does wrong to us, there are two options at hand. Like the illustration, we can choose to overcome evil with evil or overcome evil with good. You can choose to steal someone else's peace because they have stolen yours. But God never says that He will bless you for causing a scene and putting someone in distress. Instead, he says "BLESSED are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God" (Matthew 5:9) BLESSED.. yes, you receive a BLESSING when you choose peace, when you choose good to repay.

God cares about you. If you think facebook is disgustingly getting creepier, you should meet God.. because he is "disgustingly" creepy over you because He's obsessed with you. He enjoys when you laugh at youtube videos, He enjoys when you try to bake brownies but they come out completely burned. He is delighted in you, meaning he finds a HUGE deal of pleasure in you. And when you're sad or have been wronged, it hurts him also. He wants you to follow His advice when these things happen because Daddy knows best..

Who has done evil to you? Who has hurt you to the point of anguish, grief, sobbing, and anger? Will you choose to overcome (put name here) with evil and most likely accomplish nothing except for additional pain? Or will you choose to overcome (put name here) with good, and experience peace and joy? Both are in your hands, which one will you choose?




"Do not be overcome by evil, but instead overcome all evil with good" (Romans 12:21)