I will not hide.

What I am learning:

Relationships expose insecurity.  There is a fear that if you are fully known, you will no longer be delighted in.  I have always been the one to cowardly shy away from relationships because the idea of being “alone” was far less painful than the thought of being rejected.  You see, vulnerability takes immense courage.  So I pushed.  I isolated. I fought.  I numbed all the yearnings of my heart because of one powerful emotion: shame.  There’s a plethora of self-help readings that teach how one can “rid shame”, however, I am finding that the biggest tool in overcoming shame is to rid the “self-help” mentality.  Ridding shame is not something one can attain alone.  Shame is hidden in the deepest crevices of our hearts—we’re ashamed, therefore, we hide.  What better place to seek shelter from shame than to look towards oneself to find freedom from it.  This is the lie I have been buying for all 23 years of my life.  However, there are not enough books, counseling sessions, or memorized verses that expose and heal shame like entering a relationship does.  You see, shame says “don’t get to know me, I’m not worthy” and a relationship speaks to that lie and says “I know you, and I still love you”.  It makes perfect sense why God said “it’s not good for man to be alone”, because when we are alone and hidden, it also hinders our relationship with Him.  While healing from shame (specifically through relationship) is uncomfortable beyond measure, I am finding that the fruit outweighs the discomfort.  The fruit is remarkably sweet, actually.  It encourages the inner-child to “come out and play”, it quiets the cognitive dissonance, it invites, and it is compelling me to be bold in the design that my creator has made me.  I no longer feel like I have to tolerate the skin I’m in, but instead, am finding great delight in it.  Self-help rehashed the past and made me self-aware, which in my case, filtered into shame.  However, relationship rehashes the past and says “Who cares-- your past doesn't define you!” which is an entirely new level of self-awareness for me.  So, my revelation is: Shame vanishes when you are known and delighted in.  It doesn't happen over night, but it’s better to start now than never.  Don’t let the fruit of your “secrecy” grow heavy on you, causing you to feel dirty and betrayed.  Delight drives out shame.  We feel awkward in it though—that’s why grace is scandalous.  Lean into the awkwardness, it’s worth it.