2009 is almost over, hur-freaking-ray haha. Honestly, this year has had so many experiences that words cannot describe the life-lasting impact it has truly made on my life. Obviously I won't go into details because many of these experiences I hold close to my heart and feel like they should be left between me and God. But in a quick snit bit, I left for college in August only to experience one of the hardest yet most rewarding semester's of my life. I left my comfort zone and entered a totally foreign environment without anyone or anything familiar by my side. Two weeks into school, I experienced heartbreak and brokenness that honestly brought me to my knees feeling completely naked and vulnerable. The best way to put into words how this felt is by imagining an agonizing growing pain that just pushes, tugs, and rips every weakness in your being. Sounds kind of emo, I know, but little did I know that God kinda makes you feel 'emo' when he just bursts inside of you and starts cleaning out all the crud that were like "minor diseases" to the soul. I didn't have the usual "comfort" that I had previously relied on and had to find comfort in something else, something that I had never really given the chance to meet my deepest needs or longings before- and the cool thing is, I found it. By no means was I perfect and discover this "comfort" and BOOM, life is great, i'm happy, and Jesus and I are BFF's. Haha, nooo way, the process was nothing like this. In fact, I was angry at God (hence, I'm human, this feeling is natural), and I didn't want to understand his will or even agree on his will. I fought him and resorted to things until I could no longer fight him or resort to temporary "self-medicating" escapes. Surrender. Complete, whole, and total surrender. This is what my relationship with God came down to, surrendering every aspect of my life, heart, mind and body because He knows/knew whats best, unlike me. It wasn't until I could hit this type of rock bottom surrender when I was finally able to experience his peace and comfort. Now I've experienced this before, but the "new thing" that I tried out for comfort was His Word. Sounds cliche or maybe even "common sense"... but I honestly never knew the power of His Word until this semester. I never knew that to know God requires you knowing His Word. I never knew that knowing love requires you spending time with the Author of Love. I never knew that comfort, counseling, peace or wisdom all come from the Word of God... His Word that literally comes alive and touches your heart and soul. I never knew that there would be nights where I just lay in bed in tears repeating Jeremiah 29:11 over and over until peace would finally come so I could sleep. In no way do I blog about this to appear as a Saint who is perfect because she reads the bible- this is the last thing I'd ever want to do, which is also why I did not mention some of the very private experiences I have that should just remain between God and I. But I mention this because I discovered something this semester that I wish for every believer and non-believer to discover. I wish for them to not only discover the beautiful experience a relationship with Jesus Christ is, but also the power, love, and restoration that comes from the Word of God (the bible). I'm not really good at fixing things when they break, and I'm ESPECIALLY not good at fixing myself, which is why Jesus is the best BFF anyone will ever have. On top of this realization of the bible, I've also been extremely blessed with amazing/beautiful Sisters in Christ. To meet a group of girls who are not very dramatic is rare.. but even more, to meet a group of girls who are after the heart of God and are constantly dying to themselves daily is even more beautiful. To be in a group where the constant focus is to love on each other the way Jesus would love just brings an overwhelming joy to my heart. I've never met a more real, funny, sensitive, and encouraging group of girls. Ahh- and I could go on and on.... but you will probably hear more of my experiences with them in future blogs since i'll be living with three of them next year! woot parrrtay! haha
Anyways- I had to get into deep thought tonight because I sat in my room after I got off work and realized how I am EXACTLY where God wants me right now. With the next semester coming up (aka- BUSY SEMESTER).. and trying to get younglives started (a organization that helps reach teen moms), I feel like God has more than prepared me for this ministry that is about to blossom. It just happens to be that I got a job through a friend at "Once Upon A Child" where it just "happens to be" that most of my co-workers are teen/single moms. It's only been two days that I've worked there and I've already had significant talks with some of the girls and it's only grown my heart and passion for these particular moms. Oh yeah, and it also just "happens to be" that they have a 'Once Upon A Child' in fayetteville that is 3 minutes from my dorm... hmmm, can someone say APPLYING THERE AS SOON AS I GET BACK!?!? Yes and please. They say that "your misery will be your ministry", and I honestly couldn't think of a better time in life for God to use me to love on these women. There is nothing else occupying or getting in the way of my heart (which gives Jesus no other choice but to come chill and hang out! haha) ... and honestly, I don't wanna just serve to serve... but I want to serve these girls because Jesus' love is so overwhelming and overflowing that it has no choice but to pour out onto these girls. If you would have told me 4 months ago that I would be where I am today, I would think you're kidding. This is just living proof of the power of Jesus and the power of God's Word... because trust me, I've got zero strength (both physically and emotionally haha).
I can't wait to enter into 2010- something tells me that great things are soon to come (and no I didn't get that out of a fortune cookie).
2 Timothy 2:21-22
"Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."
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